When Insults Had Class
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
^ I found these posted on facebook. Quite interesting, since I'm learning about most of these people in history ATM!
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'
- Jack E. Leonard
'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'
- Robert Redford
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'
- Thomas Brackett Reed
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'
- Billy Wilder
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'
- Abraham Lincoln
'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. '
- Winston Churchill
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
Thoughts from our Generation
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
-That's enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to
be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?
You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the
problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix
the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take
2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I¹m trying to finish a
text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test
is absolutely petrifying.
- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a ##%% from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as
in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be
used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB
gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to
have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to
die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with
it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I¹d
bet my % everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in
about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen
if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When insults had class and thoughts from our generation
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
How to keep warm this Christmas- Fashionably
Layer your clothing
Start off with a simple tank top, followed by a thin shirt and then a stylish sweater. Top that off with a gorgeous wool or cotton coat and you're ready to go!
This combo can easily be mixed and matched or multiplied. Remember when layering, there is no need to bulk up with thick and uncomfortable fabrics. Your first layer should always be a light, breathable fabric like silk or synthetics.
The great thing about layering is if the weather changes, you can always take off excess layers until you feel comfortable. Suffocating in your huge knitted cashmere sweater because you didn't anticipate that the mall had heaters is not a good way to go.
Wear accessories
Soft, thick, warm scarves . Adorable knitted hats. Cozy, toasty warm gloves. Sparkly statement jewelery.
What do they all have in common?
They are practical and stylish ways to keep you warm in those sub-zero temperatures.
Not the jewelery but they do help spice up an otherwise boring outfit.
Avoid Cotton
Cotton absorbs moisture (like sweat) which in turn, will make you cold. It loses all of it's insulating abilities as soon as it even gets slightly damp! This in turn may lead to you catching a whole bunch of diseases due to lack of warmth. Stick to wool or synthetics.
Layers on legs
There is a limited amount of clothing that can be used to clothe the legs warmly, unlike the torso. For the really cold days, try this method to protect your lower half!
Start off this thermal underwear (or skip this step if you wish o-o), followed by a pair of thick leggings! Wear skinny dark wash jeans on top of this combo and pull a pair of baggy sweatpants over. This should effectively trap all the heat escaping from your body and make you feel toasty warm!
Gloves and boots
Boots are comfy, stylish, toasty warm and totally chic. These are must-haves for every single girl. Invest in a good, durable pair that will last you through rain, mud and snow and lasts a long time. However for the winter season, avoid the shoes that are merely for 'looks' or those that are suitable only for sunnier times.
Avoid boots with heel and ones with slippery soles. The best winter shoes are waterproof, lined with sheepskin and are wide enough to stuff jeans through.
Suede boots are adorable and add a hint of femininity to the otherwise 'army like' shoe. However the color fades when wet and they don't stand a chance against slushy snow and rain. Leather boots may be more practical in rainy weather. And they're totally classic and won't go out of style!
For winter gloves, ditch the knitted mittens that a child might wear for a afterschool snowball fight. Those are pathetic. Water seeps through them and they cannot keep your fingers warm during a chill.
Leather gloves lined with (faux) fur or wool is a handy alternative. Cashmere or pashmina is a expensive yet luxurious way of keeping your fingers cozy.
Cuddle up
Get together with a loved one/pet underneath some warm sheets and enjoy the corny and cliched Christmas movies that are playing on TV.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
school drama/lockdown/stress
today we had a chem lab. It was pretty fun, handling the dangerous corrosive acids and watching the solutions turn different colors. The lab was based on le chatlier's principle (whatever we do, nature tries to undo) so all the solutions turned back to the original.
We had a lockdown at our school. We were just chatting away, waiting away the last 5 minutes until we could have break, when an announcement when over the intercom. 'Message to all staff, do not let your students out during break'
We had to lock the doors and turn off all of the lights in our class.
We were all buzzing about what it was. Swine flu outbreak? Terrorist attack? Earthquake drill?
Paramedics were seen outside so everyone assumed the worst. After 35 mins, we were allowed to have breaktime. Every single person was talking about what had happened.
I got the story from my friend who was actually in the classroom when it happened.
A black kid who was in grade 10 suddenly fainted in the middle of class. After he fell down, he fainted and spat out a wad of blood. Paramedics came and that's why we were not allowed out. He was taken to the hospital where he responded to the medical treatments and he recovered.
Pretty exciting stuff! especially since it was a boring Monday and when it was so openly broadcasted.
During lunch, he started stalking me. I walked this and that way and went into the girl's bathroom but he was still there when i got out. He wanted to talk to me so we went into the music room's sound-proof room (which doesn't block ANY sound) to talk. He said that he was sorry and wanted us to be friends again. He did sound sincerely sorry but there was no way in HELL i would forgive him for what he did. He wanted a second chance. Then that would have made it his THIRD second chance. I don't forgive him, but i did enjoy torturing him and letting out every single insult I had for him.
He said that he constantly thought and worried about me. He doesn't like me in that way but he still cares for me. Thats fucking great. where the hell was this 'nice' side of you when I needed you the most? I was a wreck in the summer and you treated me like shit. But now that I'm fine and successful, you're there for me? Fuckthisshit. Although I am flattered that he thought of me and smug that I have him wrapped around my finger. Let's see, what should I do to him that's worse than what he did to me?
I'm really stressed about so much stuff. I've got 3 exams this week and two projects. I just got assigned a MAJOR entrepreneur project that's worth 100 marks! I've got at least 7 newspaper articles to write and people to interview. I've got a bunch of subjects to catch up on because I don't get what I'm learning. So much homework due! Project due tomorrow and I haven't started (what a surprise). Need to work on a bunch of christmas themed blog entries. Apply for universities.
OMG!! I had a biology exam yesterday and I'm major freaking out! It was the worst test I've ever taken! I had MAX 20 mins of studying so I barely grasped the concept of DNA/RNA. But I thought 'If this test was as easy as the quiz we had, I'll ace it for sure'. It was so fucking hard. I talked to the teacher and it was PROVINCIAL standard. WTF we jsut took a provincial test! I bet the only person who passed was HIM and he's crazily smart, fuck him.
I bet my A-average just dropped down to an F-minus.
On sunday, I was up until 3 am doing a history project that was due the next day. When I got to school, it turned out it wasn't due until Friday. FML.
This post is so crappy, only pictures will make it better.
HAH! Guess who's conceited and likes to read her own blog.
Firefox is the only browser I will use. I refuse to surf with other, INFERIOR browsers.
Monday, November 2, 2009
How to survive a horror movie
How to survive a horror movie
Based on things we've learned from the horrors movies of the past, post some tips on how to survive these types of situations. I'm not sure where I got this list but it's @#$%ing hilarious!
- Never check what the sound is coming from the basement
- Dont be macho and stray off from the group
- Say random stuff about yourself for character development. Developed characters = main characters = survival
- Dont check if the guy is dead or not
- Bring a flashlight wherever you go (with batteries that wont die out a few minutes later)
- If you're a girl, always be the second prettiest. The prettiest girl dies early.
- Dont be snobby either. They die the most goriest death.
- Dont have sex. People who have sex always get killed later on.
- the black guy always dies: DONT BE BLACK! (Psychopaths are racist)
- You can be a black woman though (And they're feminist! Oh the horror)
- You don't have to run fast if you trip someone else. (Asshole = survival)
- Never go into a building with stairs. If you have to, do not go up them.
- When stuck in a situation where you must hide, do not hide, just run. People who hide always get caught.
- If you manage to hide and not get caught, when you get out of hiding, run, do not go further into the path of whatever you're hiding from.
- Don't learn anything. People who begin to learn what happened are always the people that have the worst luck.
- Another rule is to always stay close to the main target, because you won't get killed. (Yes, stay close to the target so that when he/she ducks, you get skewered)
- Oh, always try and wear green camo clothes. Being hunted in that forest with your easter orange shirt is not helping. (Survival can be fashionable!)
- If you're stuck in a house with no way out, chances are there is a way out, but it'll be more trouble to find it than to just stay put and be rescued. (Redundancy!)
- Cellphones never work. Neither does internet, and your TV will quit working right before you are about to find something out that's very important.
- Run fast
- Run faster (wise words)
- Don't go to sleep. If you go to sleep then when you wake up, something bad will happen or you'll be in a bad situation.
- Don't kneel down and pray in the middle of no where. You'll end up getting ambushed. (Why the hell would anyone do that?)
- If they're infected, don't hesitate to blow it's brains out. It's for the common good. (OMG, he has the flu! Quick, get the shotgun!)
- Use the nerdy kid as bait. Nobody cares if he dies.
- NEVER answer your cellphone to someone you don't know.
- You gotta trust your dreams. If in a horror movie situation, they will ALWAYS come true. (So flying sheeps are going to bring me to the land of lollipops? YAY!)
- If trapped inside an old, abandoned building with a lunatic inside waiting to kill you, SHUT THE HELL UP! (Dont type in caps either. Monsters can detect loud typing)
- Never ever look behind you. Then they'll be in front of you. (Never look in front of you, they'll be behind you)
- Bad stuff can't happen to groups of more than 7. (Have friends!)
- DUCK! (GOOSE!)
- NEVER TRIP AND BREAK YOUR FRIKKIN' ANKLE! (But that tree root came out of nowhere!)
- Always keep fire with you. (For fighting and keeping away the darkness, angry mob etc.)
- The scientist dies first, or he's evil. (Being educated is a hazard)
- Bad stuff usually happens in bathrooms. (Mainly in the toilets)
- Always do what the bad guys says, prolongs death or keeps you out of it.
- Dont be alone.
- Dont go asleep. (*groan*)
- Dont go towards the bump in the night.
- When the monster is in your house run, or if you cant run try to be nice to it.
- Never be unarmed. (Dont let monsters tear off your arms)
- If someone wants to leave the group let him die. (Again, being an asshole = win)
- Dont feel bad if someone dies, chances are he'll come back as zombie.
- Never look in mirrors .
- Always bring extra pots with you .
- Never trust anyone who doesnt answer you within 10 seconds.
- Always attack zombies in the head.
- Never be alone.
- Never follow any sexy mysterious ladies.
-When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house was built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Don't mumble to yourself, either - if you can't read silently, you have no business with such a thing anyway.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably that way for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
If you're searching for something that caused a mysterious noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden blocks on your work surface.
When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the lights on!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery and a full tank of gas so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
Never say that you'll be right back, because you won't.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, crypt, tomb, mausoleum, or any other house of the dead.
If anything other than water (i.e., blood or thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
If, while looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, a room different from the one you are in, or a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.
If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
When the family pet runs away, DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR IT -- pets are usually not killed, and even if they are, it's just a warm-up for the next, human victim.
Never unlock the doors and look outside.
If it's late at night and your dog suddenly perks up his ears and growls lowly in his throat, never EVER say "Whassa matter Boy? Gotta go out?"
If you use gasoline to destroy your attacker, make sure your Zippo is in fine working order. Also, make sure it's not the one your grandfather used in WWII because you have to throw it away with a witty one-liner.
Make sure you get up early enough so you can kill the vampires during the day.
When you are trapped in a strange old house with your date, NEVER say: "Let's try the basement!" or "Look! The stairs up to the attic!"
When approaching a room with a door that hasn't been opened in decades, and the knob begins to slowly turn back and forth on its own, back away! Do NOT ask loudly, "Who's there?"
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
If appliances start operating by themselves, MOVE OUT.
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as soon as possible!
If your car runs out of gas at night, DO NOT go to the nearest deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that is strange because you thought you had half a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one!), the Bemuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Listen closely to the sound track and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
If you are running for your life and are being chased by a monster/psychopath/axe murderer and you happen to be female, take the high-heeled shoes OFF!
Also, if you've just pushed the monster/psychopath/axe murderer in the lake from your boat dock or a bridge, don't lean over to see if he's gone!
When confronted by the walking dead, aim for the head.
If you're female, never EVER take off your shirt. They like to attack you when your bejoobies are hanging out.
Lock your darn doors, make sure the gas tank is full, and if you hit something that was weird looking, make the cops go look and see what it was.
If the creepy bag lady of the town tries to give you some advice, TAKE IT! For some reason she always seems to know what she is talking about during her brief moments of lucidity.
Join the police or the military right away! That way, you won't be anywhere near the monster until it's really dead.
Remember, the monster cannot be stopped by bullets, the army or an atomic bomb. Only a mob bearing pitchforks and torches will be able to inflict significant damage.
Monsters are generally radioactive, so always carry a Geiger counter in your car.
When confronted with a large, animated flying reptile, aim for the wires.
If you can get around the creature, and get to the zipper on his back, you can render him helpless.
If you are female, and intend to go swimming in a haunted pool/black lagoon/deserted lake, a white one-piece bathing suit is de rigueur.
Girls, if you are going on a date to Lovers Lane, make sure you are wearing shoes with proper ankle support. Statistically you will turn an ankle and the creature will get you.
Avoid going to isolated research stations whenever possible. Arctic weather stations, foreboding pacific atolls, distant space stations, and island bases for gene-splicing corporations top the list.
When finding a meteor/egg sac/fetal creature of any kind, step away! DO NOT give in to the diabolical urge to poke it with a stick.
Unless you are in the company of Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and their talking dog, the creature/ghost coming at you is most likely REAL.
If you see some strange, globulous, slimy, pulsating thing in your house, don't mutter "What the hell?" to yourself and reach for it.
If some guy comes to your door who looks exactly like an ancestor of yours who "died" 200 years before, claiming to be a cousin from England, SHUT THE DOOR!
When killer bees, flesh eating worms, or Cujo have trapped you in your car, make sure to turn OFF the oldies station. It just seems to excite them.
Always check the back seat of your car.
The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hellgate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Don't relax.
Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign.
If, on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly he/she is.
Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let him/her get behind you. He/she has joined the other side.
If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill him because he is not normal!
After you kill the maniac, don't stand anywhere near the body and don't drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) he is not dead and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again.
Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. That will eventually get you killed.
Kill the greedy person in the group. He/she will eventually get you killed.
Never make fun of the local yokel's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns--you can bet they are real and you might get them angry.
Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid. Those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.
If someone in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself, or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight.
Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl because she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
Nothing is ever over if it is still nighttime.
If it seems as though you have just woken up from a horrible nightmare, chances are you are still in grave danger.
Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
When fleeing some peril (mutant rats, lava, Oakland Raiders fans, etc.), do not keep turning around to see how close it is/they are behind you. This slows you down and increases your chances of getting caught by said peril.
Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.
If you're ever lost in the woods filming a documentary, don't stop and collect little stick figures.
Never trust your best boy/girl friend. As soon as the monster or spirt can, it's going to take over his/her mind and that friend will turn on you.
If your children or pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This applies also to people who speak with somebody else's (usually deep) voice.
Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to "help" them - they will eat you.
Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if you find hideous parasites attached to their bodies.
Be forewarned that a gun is good only for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts, etc.)
Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.
Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom, Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.
If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car, the monster will be in it.
Never bring the cat or any member of your family back from the dead.
Try to make friends with someone from your own species. If your only friends are rats, insects or anyone who is invisible, you are going to DIE.
If you realize that a car has been operating on its own, get away from it immediately. Do not touch it, and above all, NEVER get in, especially in the driver's seat!
If your child or infant seems especially bright, beautiful, AND has piercing blue eyes, kill it immediately. If you can't do that, have a priest or retired mystery writer do it for you. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you lean over a cliff, shimmy out on a tree branch, cross a train tressle, or climb a ladder to rescue the tyke from certain death - it is a TRAP.
Never accept a job as a camp counselor.
Do NOT drink alcohol if you are underage.
Never turn off the radio or TV when an emergency news bulletin is on - unless you want to be in the next bulletin.
If someone tells you "Wait right here," heed that person's order and don't go anywhere.
Never assme that everything is going to be all right. It won't be.
Never go for a walk by yourself, especially in the wilderness.
Don't mockingly go "Oo-ee-oo!" to jokes about how creepy something is.
When the monster is running after you, run out the door rather than up the stairs.
When the exorcist/priestess/whoever declares the house is "clear", your troubles have just begun.
Never look under the stairs, or the bed, or in the closet, or the cellar, attic, etc.
Don't take anything back to the lab that looks like it might hatch real soon-especially if it is transparent, something inside is moving, or it appears to be lighted from within.
In the same vein, never bend over to look into anything that looks like an opening egg.
If you don't want to be chased by the monster (or serial killer, shark, alien, giant snake, radioactive ants, etc.) don't wear skimpy clothes or wet T-shirts.
If you are being chased by a car, don't run into the building, the car will corner you and rev its engine menacingly before destroying the house, business, police station, etc. Whereas, if you just run down the road, it won't catch you.
Never unwrap the mummy. (Always good, though, to have duct tape around in case something unravels).
When flying on an airplane at night, in a storm, don't raise the shade to see what that noise out on the wing was.
Don't talk to sheriffs wearing reflecting sunglasses in towns that are so small the gas station has one pump.
Silver works, garlic doesn't.
And the #1 rule for surviving a horror movie:
DON'T HAVE SEX!
If you're the monster:
If you're after the final survivor, take a break, go buy a gun, and take him or her out from a distance, avoiding all electrical lines, magic knives and heavy weights from above.
Always remember to eat the small kids FIRST, because if you don't they're going to find a way to defeat you when all the adults fail.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Nurse costume + photofest
YESSS my computer is fixed! It was crashing a lot and now it magically got better.
So I was a nurse for halloween. I wore it at school on friday and when I went out on halloween. I got tons of compliments and even more odd stares when I was in it. Everyone thought I'd bought the costume and they were so surprised to hear it was only made of paper and electrical tape!
I only wore the hat and the top with a pair of jeans. I thought wearing everything at once would be overkill.
prepare for a crazy photofest. it's gonna lag your computer haha
I should have posted this up yesterday... oh wells.
